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What is it I’m feeling? Eh, perhaps we should start with what’s going on with me.

My parents are constantly at each other’s throats. I’m stressed as shit about life, myself and just about everything. I want to jump off a bridge, but that’s not going to happen, I’m just going to keep sitting here.
Feeling weird, untrusting, anxious, annoyed, sad, and lonely. All at the same time. I love combos, they’re so fucking great.

I don’t know why, but I just kind of feel like no one gives a shit, and it’s probably just my depression and stuff acting up. But eh, I just wish I felt like people cared, or realized I’m around? I don’t even know, I guess it’s hard to ask for things you want when you’re not even sure what you want.
I just know I want something…

People tell me they care, but then they do certain things and it makes me feel like maybe they don’t actually care. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid and weird, and over sensitive. I can’t really tell, but it drives me insane.

I want a hug.

I want a bridge.

I want something, but what? Why am I like this? Why do I let my mind plague me? Because I can’t seem to turn it off sometimes, sometimes shit just gets really bad. I know things will get better eventually but the waiting, it sometimes seems never ending. As if I’m going to be stuck in this place forever.
I can sometimes take a deep breath and take my mind off things, and I figure. “Hey, it’ll be fine.”

But the other times… I can’t pull myself out of that hole, where I’m constantly having negative thoughts, and negative emotions.

Who do I talk to about this shit? Without feeling judged? Without feeling completely insane? Without worrying about them getting tired of hearing me say this shit or not say anything at all?

I can’t.

"I’m okay."
"I’m okay."
"I’m okay."

I tell myself, over and over, and over, and over…

I believe it sometimes, but then other times, not so much. I can feel myself breaking mentally. The wall that was holding the flood of memories and emotions back, cracks and begins to fall.
It drives me insane, waiting for it to finally crumble.
Sometimes I end up feeling worthless, un-needed, or as if I’m just fucking everything up and pissing everyone off.

Perhaps I am, or perhaps it’s just my mind, trying to convince me.

I don’t know.

But it bothers me, and I just want to be okay. I was doing really well, and I was feeling optimistic, and happy.

I’m still happy, but I notice I’ve started falling into being sad a lot more often. The depression seems to be coming back.

I don’t want to go there again.

How do I stay happy when all I feel like doing is not existing?

I’ve thought about it. I really have. How easy would it be? Would it make this pain go away? Would I stop feeling so useless? So alone? So insignificant? Would I feel better? Would I feel nothing at all?

I wanted to. I really did, perhaps I even still do sometimes. I won’t, and I don’t believe I ever will. I don’t want to. I want to be stronger, I want to keep going. For me. For people around me. I wasn’t even sure they’d really care, but I cared. I didn’t want to cause more problems than I felt I already was.

I was broken, fully and truly broken. I still am, but I’m fixing myself. And it’s a slow journey, but I’m doing so much better than I had. I’m quite proud of myself, really.
It’s taken me a while to learn how not to beat myself up so much, how to start caring and loving myself.

It’s one of the best things I’ve done for myself, and it’s been hard, but it’s been worth it.

I’ve still got problems, I’m still haunted by things I don’t want to think about; not as much as I used to. I’m just trying to live, and love, myself and what’s around me. I don’t have to put up with people and their shit. I need to take care of myself, and I still have to remind myself of that.
It’s still hard, but I need to do it.

For me.

I don’t think about suicide as much as I used to. It barely crosses my mind anymore. But I still get really sad sometimes, but that’s okay. I can’t be perfect all the time. I am me, and that’s just fine.

My mind feels like it’s floating away. But my body is staying in place. I feel detached from everything, but very aware as well.
I feel as if the only thing keeping me together is a thin wall that is there mentally. I can almost see it, like a bubble that will pop from the slightest touch. But it’s beautiful, iridescent, a million colors.
If it shatters, I’ll fall and my mind will go places that I’d rather not return. A maze of things that used to haunt me, and sometimes still do. My mind tries to drift to a million different places at once, but can’t seem to decide where to stop.

I’ve been sick and the internets been out. I’m starting to get better now though, thank the gods.
It’s been awful.

There it was, the final blow. I watched the anger fade from your eyes and be replaced by a coldness I never wanted to see.
You smiled, tight lipped and almost hissed through your teeth at me. You told me I was nothing, I never had been, you never should have bothered with me.

I didn’t say anything, I just nodded and looked away, I knew the pain would hit me later; for now I was just numb.
That’s when you turned and walked out the door, slamming it behind you. Silence was usually my friend, I enjoyed it, it was peaceful… but today, the silence ate at me.
It was too quiet, I slowly walked over to the sound system, and plugged my iPod into it’s dock. I almost felt as if I was in a dream, I turned on the system and turned away from it, not even bothering to note what song was blasting through the room. I walked towards the wall and leaned against it. My legs slowly gave out and I slid down the wall, as tears slid down my face.

writingnight

Anonymous: I really like your way with words, you should update more often. I can feel the emotions in your writing. Please, keep it up!

Oh thank you! This makes me so happy, I will definitely try to update more :)

I hope you’re having a splendid day. Thank you