What is it I’m feeling? Eh, perhaps we should start with what’s going on with me.
I tell myself, over and over, and over, and over…
I believe it sometimes, but then other times, not so much. I can feel myself breaking mentally. The wall that was holding the flood of memories and emotions back, cracks and begins to fall.
Perhaps I am, or perhaps it’s just my mind, trying to convince me.
I don’t know.
But it bothers me, and I just want to be okay. I was doing really well, and I was feeling optimistic, and happy.
I’m still happy, but I notice I’ve started falling into being sad a lot more often. The depression seems to be coming back.
I don’t want to go there again.
How do I stay happy when all I feel like doing is not existing?
I’ve thought about it. I really have. How easy would it be? Would it make this pain go away? Would I stop feeling so useless? So alone? So insignificant? Would I feel better? Would I feel nothing at all?
I wanted to. I really did, perhaps I even still do sometimes. I won’t, and I don’t believe I ever will. I don’t want to. I want to be stronger, I want to keep going. For me. For people around me. I wasn’t even sure they’d really care, but I cared. I didn’t want to cause more problems than I felt I already was.
I was broken, fully and truly broken. I still am, but I’m fixing myself. And it’s a slow journey, but I’m doing so much better than I had. I’m quite proud of myself, really.
It’s one of the best things I’ve done for myself, and it’s been hard, but it’s been worth it.
I’ve still got problems, I’m still haunted by things I don’t want to think about; not as much as I used to. I’m just trying to live, and love, myself and what’s around me. I don’t have to put up with people and their shit. I need to take care of myself, and I still have to remind myself of that.
I don’t think about suicide as much as I used to. It barely crosses my mind anymore. But I still get really sad sometimes, but that’s okay. I can’t be perfect all the time. I am me, and that’s just fine.
My mind feels like it’s floating away. But my body is staying in place. I feel detached from everything, but very aware as well.
I’ve been sick and the internets been out. I’m starting to get better now though, thank the gods.
There it was, the final blow. I watched the anger fade from your eyes and be replaced by a coldness I never wanted to see.
I didn’t say anything, I just nodded and looked away, I knew the pain would hit me later; for now I was just numb.
Anonymous: I really like your way with words, you should update more often. I can feel the emotions in your writing. Please, keep it up!
Oh thank you! This makes me so happy, I will definitely try to update more :)
I hope you’re having a splendid day. Thank you